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Dragica Nikolic, my heroic mom  Dragica Nikolic, my heroic mom Two weeks ago my dearest mom passed away just minutes before I made it to the hospital where she spent final days of her life. I was with her all the time but I didn't make it at the end; I will never know if she was waiting for me or slipped away to save me from the pain of watching her go as she was always putting me first and saying I shouldn't have to go through that pain of watching a parent die. The night before she passed I visited her by myself and we spent hours together alone. We didn't talk much as she was weak but I was holding her and trying to ease her pain and discomfort. Cancer is a horrible disease and the pancreatic is one of the worst; it reduced my mom to 45 kg and was consuming her in pain. But my mom was such a strong and outstanding women that she kept on going about her life just as she always has until literally last breath. What's most admirable is that she never let the pain and disease affect her spirit and attitude. Just like in her life that hasn't been easy, she always was positive, uplifting and kind, overcoming every difficulty with her head up and smile. I couldn't easily leave the room that night and was standing at the door for a long time looking at her. She said to me: "Go, go home to your boys. Tomorrow will be a better day!" and she smiled. That's the last picture I carry of my mom. Next morning's body I found was an empty, battered vessel; still the one I couldn't let go off but not the one I can carry in my memory. She didn't want anyone to remember her as she was in her final days but as she always was: strong and with a smile. But those final days she proved that her strength and love are truly immense and undefeatable as she continued to fight, smile and love until the end. Cancer destroyed her body but with all its terrible symptoms it didn't manage to ruin the beauty and strength of my mom's spirit. I fought with her and believed that somehow she will pull through like she always has. Now that she's gone, there's a big void and it will never be the same; we will miss her every day and just like my older boys prefers to say she's gone for a vacation where they have cure for her disease and can't come back I choose to believe that at the end of my road I will be 'born' to her again in some ethereal existence. |
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